101 ways to Drive Snape Mad
by PhoenixPadfoot89
Summary: Harry finds a book called 101 Ways to Drive Snape Mad, so he decides to put it to good use! Warning: pointless humor ahead! Read at your own risk!
1. Maggot Wings

**101 Ways to Drive Snape ****Mad.******

**Chapter 1: Maggot Wings**

"Argg! Why does Snape assign us the stupidest things?"

" Because he hates us, that's why!"

Harry, Hermione, and Ron were sitting in the library, researching topics for their essay; Write Five Feet on 101 uses of Maggot Wings in Potions.  

For once, Hermione was just as exasperated as the two boys were. 

" Hermione, I thought you liked to write essays and do homework!" Harry said, astonished.

" Not when the topic is maggot wings!" Hermione said, her face with a touch of green. 

" Who came up with the grossest things you use in potions, anyway?" Ron asked.

" Well, maybe we can find a book on 101 uses of maggot wings." Hermione said, and walked over to the shelf nearest to the table where their books and parchment were spread out. Harry and Ron soon joined her.

" …101 Ways To Use A Mandrake… 101 Uses Of The Spell 'Wingardium Leviosa'… 101 House Hold Spells…"

" … 101 Ways To Digest Dragon Eggs… 101 Charms, Spells, And Enchantments For Those Who Can't Read…"

" 101 Ways To Defeat Voldemort… 101 Love Potions For Your Crush… 101 Ways to Drive Snape Mad…" Harry paused, and did a double take.

" Hey, you guys, look! 101 Ways to Drive Snape Mad!" Harry called to them. They looked puzzled.

" … Written the Marauders: Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs!" Harry almost shouted. Madam Pince gave him a cold look.

" Wow, Harry!" Ron whispered.

Harry rushed over to the table and began to read the first page.

_Are you bored with your life? Want to have a few laughs? Then use this book to humiliate Snape (or any other idiot or Slytherin). We (the Marauders) were bored one day and Prongs had the great idea to make a list of the best ways to drive Snape crazy. Well, the little list turned into a book! We never got the chance to play the pranks, because Prongs' girlfriend, Lily, saw what we were doing and so we had to hide the book in the library. We came back for it a few days later, and managed to finish writing this introduction. We won't be able to use the book, because all of the teachers have been keeping their eyes on Prongs and Padfoot, so they would never get away with it._

_So, here's your chance to finish our noble work. We only ask that you use this book wisely, and try not to get caught. Any detentions, expulsions, or other punishments you may receive are not the responsibility of the authors of this book, so please prank at your own risk._

_Thank you, and now, the page you've all been waiting for… the list of pranks!_

Harry was very happy and excited. He would love to prank his most hated teacher. He read:

_Bat your eyelashes at him every time you see him._ _Say hello to him every where you see him._ _Whenever you look at him, snicker._ _Invent a song about him. Sing it when he walks by._ _Ask for his autograph._ _Send him a bottle of shampoo for Christmas by owl._ _Send him hundreds of owls from "fans" asking whether he likes boxers or briefs._ _Talk to inanimate objects in baby-talk when ever he walks by._ _Ignore him completely._ _Don't think or talk about anything else but him._ _Sigh dramatically when he walks by…_ _Leave him anonymous love notes_

The list went on and on. When Harry looked up at Ron and Hermione from the book, he was grinning evilly. 

" Oh, no, Harry… don't say it!" Hermione pleaded, but Harry said, 

" Let's do it!"

**

"You two do realize how much trouble we could get in for this, don't you? I mean, we could get a week of detention, and about a hundred points off of Gryffindor…"

" So? I'm just finishing my father's noble work!" Harry shrugged.

" Hermione, if you don't want to do it, we're not making you."

" Of course I _want_ to do it!" Hermione said, and the boys started at her. " I've wanted to get back at Snape for years! I hate him just as much as you do!"

" Hermione Granger… hates a teacher?" They said simultaneously. " Hell has frozen over!"

" Well, we'll certainly _be_ in hell if Snape finds out what we're doing." Hermione mumbled.

" At least," Harry said with a grin, " It won't be one of our clever plans to get us killed… or worse, expelled!" Ron and Harry laughed, and Hermione grinned. 

" They're never going to forget that, are they?" She asked no one in particular.

" It is hard to forget almost being eaten by a three headed dog!" answered no one in particular. 

Hermione looked confused. " Who is no one in particular?"

" No one… in particular." No one in particular answered her.

" Oh!" She understood it perfectly. 

I'm glad she does. I certainly don't.

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Like it so far? I'm posting the first three chapters all in the same day, because…that's as far as I've written. 

Tell me what you think!!! I'm open for all suggestions of insanity!!!!!!!


	2. Batting your Eye Lashes

Chapter 2: Bat your eyelashes every time you see him

" Ok, are we ready?" Harry asked. 

They were standing outside of the dungeons, ready to pull their first prank on Snape. If you read the title of this chapter, you would know what that prank is. 

Ron and Hermione simply batted their eyelashes in response. Harry rolled his eyes.

" Hey, if I can barley stand it, think of what Snape will say!" He told himself. Himself did not answer back. He was shy, unlike no one in particular. 

They walked into the potions class room and took their seats. Snape was not there yet. The three watched as the whole class filed in, and then finally Snape. As soon as they saw him walk in, they started to bat their eyelashes. He didn't notice…yet.

" Alright, now, as you should know, I assigned you the essay on  101 uses of Maggot wings. I will come around and collect those essays worthy of my attention." He said, sneering at Harry. Harry only batted his eye lashes, which confused Snape. He dismissed it, though, and went around the room collecting the papers.

When he got to Ron, Hermione, and Harry, who were last because they were sitting in the back, they all batted their eye lashes at him. He gave them a disgusted look, yet a also confused one, and went back to the front of the room. 

Tapping his wand to the blackboard, he said, " Alright, copy these ingredients, and we will begin to brew the sleeping drought. For those of you who have trouble reading, I urge to you learn how to very quickly, or you will have a very hard time indeed." He said, sneering back at Harry, who, as expected, batted his eye lashes. 

" Potter, is there _something in your eye_?" Snape asked between clenched teeth.

" No, sir." Harry put on a sweet and giggly voice, and Ron and Hermione's laughs abruptly turned into coughs. The rest of the class stared at Harry. Never before had someone dared to deliberately get on Snape's nerves.

" Then why do you keep doing that?" He asked, seemingly resisting the urge to pluck out his eye lashes.

" Doing what, Sir?" Innocent-girly Harry asked in a high pitched voice.

Snape glared at him. It seemed that he dared not say it aloud. " Never mind, get back to work, unless you can't read."

" Oh, Professor, don't worry, I know how to read. You taught me yourself, remember?" Now, the Gryffindors were desperately trying to hide their giggles and laughs, covering their face with their hands and snorting uncontrollably.

" I-what? What did you say, Potter?"

" You taught me to read, Professor. Don't you remember?" Harry asked, doing surprisingly well at acting and not bursting out into laughter.

" I remember doing no such thing." Snape said, and turned away from Harry. The trouble was, he couldn't get the image of Harry batting his eyelashes out of his head. He had done it for five minutes now. Snape could sense in the back of his head that Harry was still doing it. He resisted the urge to strangle him, and instead whispered dangerously, "Cease that now, Potter, or you get detention."  Then, he regretted what he just said. Detention would only mean more of Potter's stupid eye lashes. 

" Yes, sir!" Harry said, and began his potion (still doing that eye thing, of course)

By the end of potions, Harry had escaped a detention only because Snape realized that it would be torture for him, not for Harry. Harry , Ron and Hermione left, still batting at Snape, who ignored them. 

" Mission impossible is now Mission accomplished." Hermione whispered when they were out of sight from Snape.

" What?" Ron, who had not seen muggle movies other than Toy Story 2 (don't ask) said.

"It's from a muggle movie." Harry said, grinning.

" The only muggle movie I've seen is To-" 

" We know!" Hermione and Harry said. " Didn't you read three paragraphs ago?"

Ron checked three paragraphs ago. " Oh."

" Now, we'll keep doing this for the rest of the day." Harry said. And they did. During dinner, Snape refused to look at anything but his potato salad, and what a lovely potato salad it was! Everywhere he looked, he saw the eye lashes that haunted him. 

" AAAAAAAAH!" He suddenly screamed. " THERE'S EYE LASHES IN THE POTATO SALAD!" And with that, he fainted dead into his potato salad.

The whole student body, who by now had heard the story of Harry's eye lashes, laughed loudly, and Dumbledore gave him a strange look.

McGonagall lifted up his face, which had potato salad all over it, and searched the bowl. 

" Nope, no eye lashes." She confirmed. " Wait… it's a slimy leech… no, wait, it's _Snape's__ hair_!! AAAAAAAAHH!" She ran screaming from the room. 

Dumbledore managed to wake up Snape, who looked at him, saw his eye lashes, and screamed. 

" Ahh! They're after me! Every where I go!" He too ran from the room.

Dumbledore watched him go, and said, " Transfiguration and Potions classes will be cancelled for the rest of the week due to insanity. Please continue eating."

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Did you like it? I want to know!!! Tell meeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Ok, so review! If you have any suggestions for pranks, then let me know. I'm not sure if I should really do 101 chapters, though. It would get kind of… repetive… it would get kind of…repetive…it would get kind of …repetive… hey, I'm repeating myself!!! 

See! You don't like repeating, do you? 

Well, I don't know. I'm just being stupid right now, so I'll stop so you can REVIEW and then read the next chapter, which is going to be posted approxomatily 2 minutes and 15 seconds after this one.


	3. TP stands for Take Prescriptions!

Chapter 3:    TP stands for Take Prescriptions 

Harry, Ron, and Hermione had a very boring rest of the week, because since Snape was locked up in solitary confinement in St. Mungo's, they couldn't pull a prank on him. Then, on Saturday, Harry had an idea.

" Let's do one of the pranks where we send him a note! We can leave it there while he's gone!" 

Ron grinned. He had just come up with another idea to add to that one. Once he told the other two was his plan was, they agreed. 

" I'll get the girls' bathrooms!" Hermione said.

" I'll get the girls' bathrooms too!" Ron said. 

" And I'll get the Tylenol!" Harry said. 

So Hermione and Ron went into each of the girls' bathrooms. The girls beat up Ron, and as soon as he left, Harry gave him the Tylenol.

All was well.

**

On Sunday, you would find Harry, Ron, and Hermione in the dungeons, using their supplies to decorate the classroom… but only if you were looking for them.

**

The next day, Snape came back from St. Mungo's. He was cured. The eye lashes stopped following them where ever he went, and he was not afraid of them anymore… unless they had that morning gunk on them. I hate that… anyway…

As he walked into his room he screamed. And that's the end of the chapter. I'm not going to tell you what the trio did, because I don't feel like it.

Er… just kidding! You can put away those torches now!

Ok, well, he screamed because all over the walls was toilet paper. But not just normal toilet paper: it was the soft and squishy kind… ah…. So soft and cuddly… like that little bear named snuggles on the detergent commercial… anyway, it was the soft  two-ply kind. Scary, isn't it?

And now you know why the title of the chapter is called TP… but about the prescription part: that was the Tylenol. I just needed to think of something that has the initials TP. Ok? There. So, Snape had to call in Umbridge from the depths of Hell  (he he… I'm the author, so that's where Dumbledore put her !) to clean up the mess. 

" Ok, Mr. Soft and snuggly two-ply! Let's see how you can handle the DADA class! Turn to page 1000000000000000000000001 and begin reading. Wands away. There will be no need to talk."

After an hour, when the Toilet Paper wouldn't answer he questions, she gave it detention and made it write  " I must not be so soft and cuddly like the laundry detergent bear." on it's hand. 

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Ok, that's probably all for today. Please review my story, I need suggestions for pranks, tho I've already got some ideas of my own… muhahahaha!!!!

Er… yeah. 


	4. The Note and Oppo

**Chapter Three: The Notes (dun dun dun!) and Oppo!**

Harry, Ron, and Hermione woke up bright and early the next day, still laughing. (they were laughing in their sleep. Amazingly Talented, they are. Oh great, now I'm speaking like Yoda from Star Wars… *light bulb turns on on top of head* Hold that thought!)

" I wonder what Umbitch- I mean Umbridge, did to the Toilet Paper." Hermione said as they passed the dungeons on the way to the Great Hall. Due to an earthquake last night, the castle was very different. Some of the floors moved up, others down. The dungeons were now the tenth floor, and the Great Hall was balanced precautious on top of one of the turrets. This made it very hard to eat, as there had to be equal weight on all sides of the building, or they would all fall to their deaths, and then JK Rowling would most likely be mobbed by angry fans.

Anyway, back to the dungeons…

Just as Hermione spoke, they walked by the Potions room. Inside, they found the poor Toilet Paper with brown ink on it, spelling out " I must not be so soft and cuddly like the laundry detergent bear." 

" Poor Toilet Paper." Harry sympathized. " I recommend Murlap Essence." He told it, and it walked away to go find some.

" Wait a second…" Ron said. " The writing on the toilet paper wasn't red… it was brown…" The other three cringed, and said simultaneously, 

" EEEW!"

** 

When they got to the Great Hall, they took extra care to make sure all of their food's weight was balanced correctly on their plates. After a very frightful breakfast (mainly because Hagrid walked in, and nearly sent one end of the room tumbling to their deaths) they went down to Transfiguration.

McGonagall had them turning cereal into Milk and Cereal Bars ( I always wondered how they did that! Lol!). After that it was time for lunch, so they climbed back to the Great Hall. 

During lunch, nothing exciting happened, other then when Hagrid belched, and the room teetered dangerously. Then, Ron, Hermione, and Harry, smiling, went to the Dungeons, to meet their favorite professor. 

" Ready, Hermione? Do you have the note?" She smiled, and whispered a spell that made the note soar into Snape's room, and fall on his desk. 

When Snape came, sneering, and told them all to find a seat, they could barley contain their laughs. Snape noted, thankfully, that Potter stopped that eye-lash thing. 

" Today, we are going to brew the Oppo-personality potion. It causes the drinker to act as though they had exactually the opposite personality for a day. Now, the instructions are on the board. Get to work!" Snape then sat down at his desk, and began to do paperwork. 

As the students began, an idea was brewing in Harry's head (get it? Brewing… in potions? Er… yeah.).

Snape was grading homework from his fifth years…what a bunch of idiots. Then, he found a small note that wasn't homework…

It read:

_Dear Severus:   _

_I am madly in love with you! Your eyes are misty like a smelly cauldron. Your hair is greaser than automobile lubricant. Will you meet me at __midnight__ tonight on top of the Astronomy tower? I will be waiting!_

_Love:_

_An Admirer._

Snape had an ugly look on his face, and it looked like the only reason he was going to show up was because a student would be out of bed, and he could give them detention.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione snickered when he went back to grading the homework.

The rest of the potions class passed without incident, but as the bell rang, Harry managed to slip some of his potion into a cup, and he tucked it into his bag for later.

*

As it approached midnight, Harry, Hermione, Ron, an Oppo potion in a butterbeer bottle, and a certain invisibility cloak left Gryffindor Tower, headed towards the astronomy tower to meet a certain potions professor.

When they reached the tower, they waited for a few minutes, but there were still no signs of Snape.

"Do you think he'll show?" Ron asked Harry as ten mintues passed.

"Oh, don't worry, he will." Harry said. And sure enough, the door slid open, and they found a disgruntled Snape sneaking in.

Snape hid in the shadows, seemingly watching for a student to come. When, after a few silent minutes, no one showed up, Snape was about to go back to the dungeons when Harry whispered, 

"Oh, Severus! _Se-ver-us!_"

"Who's there?" Snape asked, clearly annoyed.

Harry put on his best sexy female voice (which, surprisingly, sounded genuine… hmm…) "It's me, sweetie. Your admirer. Wanna have a little fun?"

Snape simply sneered. "I have no interest in whoever you are. I was simply hoping to catch a student out of bed. Good night."

"Oh," Harry said, "I don't think you'll be leaving quite yet. Not till you've had a drink with me."

If possible, Snape sneered even more. "No thank you." He said coldly.

Harry sighed, exasperated, while Ron and Hermione tried to cover up their giggles.

"Fine. I've got no choice. If you don't have a drink with me, I'll be forced to tell Dumbledore what you're _really doing _when you say that you patrol the halls at night."

Snape visibly gulped. Harry was startled. He had not expected that one to work, and he had no idea what it was that Snape was actually doing.

"Fine. I'll have a drink with you. Just tell me who are you? And where are you?" Now it was time for Hermione's part in the prank. With a whisper, she said a spell which makes a figure of a woman appear. Then, with another spell, some of that jazzy music that you hear in the movie Chicago began to play out of nowhere.

The fake woman held the butterbeer bottle up to Snape. "Here, Snapey-poo. Drink up." She said, smiling at him.

He took a shot, still looking at her apprehensively. After a minute, when nothing seemed to have happened, he gave her a weak smile.

"Well, hunk, I've gotta go. I'll be back." She whispered seductively and then, with a wave of Hermione's wand, disappeared. 

Snape stared after, puzzled by pretty much everything, and then went back to the dungeons with out a word. When the trio was sure he was gone, they took off the cloak.

"Harry, I don't get it. Why didn't that potion work?" Ron asked.

Harry sniggered. "It takes twelve hours to work."

Ron did some counting on his fingers. "That means…"

Hermione nodded, grinning widely. "Yes. That means that the Oppo-personality potion kicks in exactly in the middle of our potions lesson tomorrow morning."

Grinning evily, the trio went back to bed. None of them noticed a certain greasy haired man in black robes humming "Hukuna Matata…"

****~~~~**** 

Thanks to all of your for your brilliant suggestions on pranks! They're all really great, and I'll try to use them, as many as I can! Thanks for waiting patiently for my updates!

~PhoenixPadfoot89

(darn, now I've got the Hukuna Matata song stuck in my head! Ahh! Get it out, get it out!)


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